Oh, That I Had Wings....

I spent some time this morning journaling. Praying... telling the Lord the things on my heart.

Lately I've felt like I'm wandering through the desert. The uncertainty of where God wants me seems unceasing. Since the beginning of 2011, I have been wandering around feeling like, at any moment I would break. I've tried my hardest to not give in to emotional outbursts or look like the crazy wavering woman. And as someone who has struggled with perfectionism and legalism, allowing myself to break down once in a while is a humiliating and scary thing. I have to constantly remind myself that I am a broken human. That I was pulled out of death, saved only by His grace. I have to constantly remind myself that there's nothing I can do to make Him love me any more or any less. And I have to constantly remind myself that the trials I'm facing REALLY ARE for my eventual perfection, and even greater, God's glory.

When I heard the news that we would be moving across the country, away from my family...away from my church family, panic set it. Then anger. Then mourning. Then acceptance. From being so busy with the move I didn't really have time to reflect and maybe out of my anger I chose not to go to God with my feelings. With my questions. I could hear Him speaking to my  heart begging me to go to Him  but I couldn't. I didn't know what I would say.  So I bit the  bullet and dealt with it the best way I could. Stuffing it inside... and then having random outbursts of emotion. (This is not recommended...)

Since moving to North Carolina, after getting the house settled, I still find myself out of sorts. My husband hasn't worked steadily for over 3 months. I haven't been to church in over a month because I have no church home. I haven't used my gifts in so long. I just feel an over all sense of sadness. I feel lost. I feel confused. And I feel my perfectionism creeping back in. Those lies that Satan loves to tell me.

I came upstairs this morning thinking I would write about Apostleship and suffering. Judgement that goes with being a steward of God's word. But all I could do was cry. And write. And share with God my sadness and my fears. My loneliness and confusion. And I was led to the Psalms. The book of sorrows and joys. I love the Psalms. They help me to know that its normal to feel pain. And the comfort of God that is intertwined in the turmoil is beautiful.

Psalm 55
Give ear to my prayer, O God, and do not hide your face from my supplication. Attend to me, and hear me; I am restless in my complaint and moan noisily.

Then in verse 4: My hear is severely pained within me and the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and trembling have come upon me, and horror has overwhelmed me.

So I said "OH that I had wing like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Indeed I would wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest.

Oh that I wings like a dove. How I feel like this so much. I'm so tired. Not knowing what God has for me or my family is exhausting. Waiting on Him to move has got to be one of the most exhausting ways to grow. Trusting in His plan is sometimes painful. Especially when it takes so long to manifest. Feeling the enemy try to steal away your joy and hope of His promise. Comforting to know that he wont succeed. This life wants to destroy us. It wants to tear us down. Satan and all his helpers are waiting everywhere ready to lie and take away any amount of peace we can find. Jesus promised us that in this life, we WILL have troubles. And when we are in the troubles more often then we aren't, we wonder how much longer we can go. How much of the enemies darts can we withstand? How long can we go without having any answers? And what do we do when God just doesn't seem to hear us?

David goes on to say in vs 16: As for me, I will call upon God and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray and cry aloud and He shall hear my voice. He has redeemed my soul in Peace from the battle that was against me.

We call upon the Lord. Morning, noon and night. WE CRY out to Him. In the depth of despair  and in the time of trouble...we cry out to Him. HE has REDEEMED my soul In peace from the battle that was against me. Those are precious words to me. I want to say that. He will redeem my soul. He will give me rest. He hears me.

Vs22: Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you. He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

He will sustain me. When I feel like I can't go anymore... I call out to Him and He shall sustain me. He gives me just a little bit more...and a little bit more.

I don't know what God has for me. I don't know when I'm going to be out of the desert. I don't know how long this is going to last. But I will cry out to the Lord and HE will sustain me. He will not allow me to be moved.

Thank you Father for these trials. Thank you for this desert. Thank you for your comfort. And for your promise that you have a plan for me. I am sustained.