For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.
The verse above is taken from Romans chapter 8 verse 36. This is the verse I quoted to the Lord right before I prayed a phrase without realizing the weight behind it: "Test me....try me...know me." I confessed to the Lord: I don't know what it means to be killed all day long. I am not regarded as a sheep to be slaughtered. But I want to know You. All of You. And what it means to die daily.
But do most people in America, REALLY know what it means to "die all the day long?" With our pretty houses and our fridge full of food. Our 2 cars in the driveway and our cries of financial struggle when if we were really honest.....we know not what it means to TRULY go without. I didn't know what it meant to die all the day long. I didn't know what it meant to suffer. I had not truly lived the gospel in my life. And if we're honest.... most of us haven't.
How can a stay at home mother of 2, who lives in a 4 bedroom house with 2 cars, enough food to CHOOSE what we will eat every day, every meal know what its like to be killed all day? How can a wife to a JESUS loving GOD fearing man who washes her daily with the Word of God know what its like to be killed all day?
"I'm Just a fake Christian"
To truly know our Savior we must share in his suffering (2nd Corinthians 1:5) and only then will we know His true comfort. Had I ever shared in the suffering of Christ? No. Not really. So how can I, an American mother of 2, be tested and tried and truly known by God?
"Test me Lord, Try me, Know me"
Grace comes in waves of mercy. The Spirit leading you to prayers such as the above. Who, in their own love of self, would ever ask the Creator of the Universe to test and try them so that their deeds may be exposed an fully seen unless they are loved so DEEPLY by God? No one. No one ever desires to be brought out of their comfort zone. No one ever DESIRES to go through trials. No one comes to the Father unless they are drawn. The waves of God's grace are so violent that they overcome me and I don't even realize what I've prayed. TEST me. TRY me. I want to be proven and affirmed BY GOD. I want those words to be spoken to me, "Well DONE good and faithful servant..enter into my eternal rest." I stand in awe at the love He has for me, that He should change my heart to desire to be killed all day. I am being made perfect.
My testing and trying didn't come in forms of tragedy. I didn't lose a child. I didn't lose my spouse. On the outside I appear holy, grateful, wise. Like a "good christian" should be. And for a minute....it was true.
My children became uncontrollable. Disrespectful. Exhausting. Quarrelsome. Despicable. Spoiled. Ungrateful. I was the mother of Proverbs 10:1 (A wise son makes a glad father,but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.)
My house was never clean. And the messes made were far beyond normal every day messes. I had no energy. My joy was completely gone. I felt stepped on. Taken advantage of. Unappreciated. Like I could die and no one would care. I existed solely for the desires of my family. And God seemed far from me. I was unloved. Even by the One who supposedly died to SAVE me.
In a text message to a friend I typed the words, "I want to run away." I honestly desired to leave my family and everything in it so that I could LIVE. So that I could stop hurting.
Instead of physically running away, I became isolated. I cut off communication with friends. I over slept. I watched too much TV. I spent money. And between the self love and comfort, drops of grace fell upon my lips....and I prayed.
"Where are You? Do you even SEE ME?"
The sweet reminder of my Savior came running through like a waterfall to saturate my empty cup. "If you ask Me anything in My name, I will do it." And I answered "What does it mean to be killed all day long?"
I am killed when I poor a glass of milk for my children. I am killed when I break up the 50th fight of the day. I am killed when I search for the paperwork my husband asked for to renew his license at the DMV, RIGHT in the middle of the breakfast I'm cooking. I am killed when they are ungrateful. I'm killed with each load of laundry. I am killed when I fall into bed at 10 at night exhausted from the countless steps I've taken to "do" for everyone else. I am killed when I battle with my son to complete his phonics work. I am killed all the day long.
After this amazing revealing, SELF and Satan comes in to steal away my joy. I am accused by the accuser.
"You Failed the Test"
And on the outside it does appear that way. Remembrance of my fights with my husband, moments of yelling at my children, tears of self pity flood my mind and I, for a brief moment hang my head in shame. And then I finish the verse"
" No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:37-39)
I am MORE than a conqueror through Him who loved ME. Nothing can separate me from His love.
In HIS Amazing Grace He has shown me the way I am being killed all the day long. In His amazing LOVE for me He has whispered the truth of the Gospel to me. To share in the sufferings of Christ is to die to self. To live the life of a servant. To be killed all day long is to regard yourself as nothing. To Love Jesus is to know Him.
The testing wasn't to prove myself. The trying wasn't so that I would be deemed wonderful and worthy. The testing and trying was so that I would learn to become lower. And by me becoming lower, HE is made Higher! To share in the sufferings of Jesus is DIE to self and be risen to LIFE by the POWER of JESUS Christ.
I passed the test because I have come out of this fire knowing that its only by the grace of God. I pass the test because kneel broken at His feet.
Even this privileged, American housewife and mother knows what it means to be killed all day long. To share in the sufferings of Christ and to share in His comfort.
